“Devious Maids” - controversy on the Lifetime drama

“Devious Maids” -  a new Lifetime show that premiered this past Sunday, June 23, 2013

Go to the link on CNN to read the about the controversy

http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/23/showbiz/devious-maids-controversy/index.html

After seeing a preview on television, I entered the information on my personal calendar with anticipation to see what was going to be the first episode like.  Only to missed the show and then having to go to the saved shows on cable.  I saw this evening and while not necessarily an exhilarating episode it was adventurous. I saw a lot of potential for the rest of the season.

The names of Eva Longoria, Roselyn Sanchez and Judy Reyes were inviting and I was excited to see them in action.  I was unfamiliar with Ana Ortiz and Dania Ramirez.  I later realized that Longoria is one of the Producers, she is a beautiful, intelligent, elegant and a witty ass -  holds a Master’s Degree and was on the famous “Desperate Housewives” show the entire length of the show with many exciting riveting scenes and positive reviews. And a great supporter of many causes.

However, I was wondering what would be different from this show in which Latinas were cast as maids in comparison with past shows in which Latinas were portrayed the same way - a maid!  I was rather surprise by many elements on the show. First, an all Latina cast who are beautiful, intelligent, classy and sexy and who have made a name for themselves in Hollywood.

The characters were surprisingly divine, they had a voice, no accent or barely one, courage and determination, and guess what - they all had a personal agenda.  Who doesn’t have an agenda today, other than earning a paycheck to pay bills.  One have to bring her son from her country after becoming a widow; another is a single mother supporting her daughter who is also a  maid; yet another one has a secret, a young son  in jail - who happens to be a blonde hair boy, ha but who says that there are no whites with blonde hair in our ethnicity; and poor Flora who kills herself and claims she was raped. Do you know the rape statistics in this country - 1 out 4 females are raped.

While some people are saying that once again Latinas are being stereotyped, I disagree because these same actresses have portrayed other roles away from a maid. What I see is a mix of Latinas from various Spanish speaking countries with real life-dramas that need to be told. That all Latinos have different cultures even thought we come from the Caribbean, Central and South America, so many cultures and dialects.  It is time we educate this nation on who we are.

In my personal view, one minor setback, I saw a little of the movie The Help, without the slavery and blackness, then again minorities have been maids front he beginning of time. Something else that trouble me was the “music” before some scenes much like in “Desperate Housewives”, can the creator and Longoria think of something else.

We will have to wait for the evolution of the characters and explanation of the social issues represented.

Until next Sunday for the second episode! 

Work out some things…10/15/2008

Letter to my husband, Dr. Alan Diaz on October 15, 2008

Work out some things…

Dear Alan,

We need and must work out on some issues before things begin to deteriorate again.  I am on the 3rd month of unemployment and I will not wait until the money stops coming in to make a decision to leave.

I appreciate what you have done for all my children and grandchildren (Alyssa and her father (your favorite son Javier), Kiomary and the kids, Bubi, Adalis and Adal), especially for helping save my granddaughter's life, but I need for you to be more sensitive and loving to me as a person, if I am to stay here with you.

I am the matriarch of the family, how can you treat them all like everything is OK and mistreat me?

I am your wife and I deserve and expect to be treated as an equal in the relationship, we are dependent on each other as a couple should, I believe is called a partnership.  I do not appreciate when you want me to do things because they are menial or unimportant but not able to know or ask what you do (communicate with or hang out) via email, phone or in person in the pursuit of your sexual games.  This relationship stop being about you, it has to be about us or is no more.

I do not appreciate that you begin the mornings about business or investments without a good morning, the coffee is great and I really appreciate your gesture, but when I get up I need time, the same thing in the evenings, especially f you are drinking.  Perhaps we can schedule into an agreeable time to speak in the mornings and/or evenings about the business and even investments.

In regards to some of my wifely duties, this morning you expected for me to say that the clothes had not been washed.  It was done on Sunday and I had mentioned it, but bringing the clothes up is difficult because is heavy.  I can cook for you but you will have to be more explicit as to what do I cook because in the past you have made statements about my cooking, you prefer your cooking which I understand since you cook with hot spices and rare condiments that are not to my taste.  I eat more bland food than you do and no hot spices at all.

Another wifely duty is the intimate part; I just don't like to have sex. I need love, romance, caring and sex all in one.  I am willing to do certain things but they are limited, and perhaps you may disagree.  This has been a major issue between us.  Let's discuss if not in person then via email or IM.  I am tired of the screaming matches and your intimidating tactics with the insinuation that you will crush me mentally; I know that you are capable of doing so, and I will not allow this to happen.  I prefer to end the marriage, than to engage in a fighting match with you. 

I am willing to help you and Javi with the business but you must be kind in making work related requests, if you want me to respond in a respectful manner to Dr. Diaz.  Otherwise we will go into conflicts.  If its better perhaps you can put your requests in writing with a timeline to take care of them.  You also have to be clearer in the requests, I don't read mind and I have been out of healthcare for a long time, so I am not aware of all the changes that have taken place in the system.

I am trying very hard to get my life in order and I expect that I am allowed to do so with your support.  I also would like to pursue some of my dreams that have been on hold for too long.

Sincerely,
Jennie

Today, two years later after I moved from my 4 bedroom home in September 2010 to a one bedroom apartment, I thought I was going crazy with all the things I brought along and not knowing what was I going to do with them.

Family and friends know that I really have everything in its place and a place for everything, a bit chicle but real for me.  Very few items in the house were homeless.  Fast forward to the apartment when I moved in with boxes and boxes and boxes and very little closet space and one bedroom.  For two years I have cleaned, organized, and relocated my belongings, books, scrapbooking, photos, furniture, clothing, bags and shoes a gazillion times.

Move forward to current year, September 2012, and 3/4 of all the stuff either has a place, or made it to donations, or given to family and friends, even sold a few items. The rule has been: Do I really loved it to find it a home, or I just merely liked it when I bought it.

I have so much empty clean and walkable space in my one bedroom that is incredible, the closets are clean and I have space available to buy an extra blouse if I wanted too.  I don't need it just saying.  Shoe containers empty but I don't need them.

One more thing I got rid of the file cabinet and the paper clutter have been disappearing thru scanning, shredding and garbage.  Then I have saved the documents on a USB pen drive and an external drive. Hopefully I will be paper free as well.

Another big accomplishment, today I got rid of 10 pairs of good quality shoes which two went to a family member and the rest made it into a box for a church tag sale along with other items.

Next big project, discarding all those duplicate pictures and either do crafts with them or to the garbage they go. Useless stuff is going out the door.

Slowly but surely, I am taking control of my life. And keeping those things that make me smile!

Estigma, vergüenza y los no creyentes!

Fue una relación de largo plazo, 17 años, los últimos cinco como marido y mujer, donde la manipulación y el abuso reinaban. Las señales peligrosas estaban desde el comienzo, pero como cualquier persona en una relación amorosa, las ignore como cositas que pasan entre la guerra y el amor. ¡Cómo pude ser tan tonta! Ahora cada vez que pienso en lo qué sucedió tengo la tendencia de culparme por no haberme ido lejos lo más pronto posible, o peor de haber regresado luego de haberme ido en dos ocasiones. Y más aun por no ser más consciente de la realidad que estaba viviendo.

Comenzaré con lo mas obvio; viví muchos años en silencio esperando la oportunidad de sentirme cómoda en ser honesta y no tener vergüenza por lo qué sucedía detrás de las puertas cerradas de mi hogar. Ahora me siento con la estabilidad emocional de que puedo hablar, escribir, y charlar con cualquiera que este dispuesto a escuchar sin juzgar ni prejuicio. También estoy aprendiendo a no preocuparme mucho por lo que piensan los demás. Hace tiempo que planeaba escribir sobre mis experiencias dolorosas y triste existencia pero por otro lado me calle precisamente por el estigma y vergüenza que la sociedad le impone a las víctimas de la violencia en el hogar, y porque los individuos tienen preconcepciones de “que es” y “que no es” abuso. La sociedad tiene un estándar que dice, ˝la ropa sucia se lava en la casa˝, y donde la actitud de los no creyentes es bien dura e insoportable para la victima que ya esta sufriendo mucho.

En segundo lugar, los individuos tienen la tendencia a asumir que a menos que una no este lastimada físicamente; es imposible ser una víctima de abuso doméstico. Uno tiende a olvidar que las palabras son como armas y lastiman verbalmente, emocionalmente y como una guerra psicológica al punto de la aniquilación física y mental. Y con esto vienen la humillación, la degradación, y el abuso económico entre otros.

Por muchos años yo di indirectas sutiles y detalles específicos a varios individuos, incluyendo familia, amigos y conocidos, los cuales me despidieron, no me creyeron, e incluso algunos dijeron que tal vez yo exageraba. Nadie sabe realmente como una persona se comporta dentro de los límites de su propio hogar luego de que las puertas están cerradas. Es el síndrome de Jekyl y Dr. Hyde; un hombre con dos personalidades totalmente diversas y dos tipos de comportamientos - uno en público y uno en privado, uno bueno y uno malvado. Uno tiene una personalidad jovial y encantadora y el otro es un abusivo y manipulante que piensa que la pareja es un objeto para obtener sus medios.

He pasado muchos años en sesiones de terapia que comenzaron algunos años después de convivir juntos. Las palabras de sabiduría dadas bajo consejo o sugerencias eran de que yo debía considerar el dejar una relación que me lastimaba tanto. Las pocas sesiones que él atendió fueron utilizadas más adelante contra mí sobre las “ineficacias” de los terapeutas y del tiempo perdido. Como médico, su opinión era que él sabía más que cualquier terapeuta. Y segundo que estaba perdiendo la oportunidad de hacer dinero. Todos estos comportamientos eran claramente indicativos de un desorden de personalidad narcisista, del cual yo no tenia conocimiento y mucho menos entendía.

No fue hasta el invierno de 2008 en que yo me sentía en una parálisis total física y mentalmente y durante una visita corta de su hermana que realicé que mi problema era permanecer en una relación abusiva y que en realidad era él el que tenia problemas. Fue su propia hermana, una profesional de salud mental, que se la paso diciéndole que el era un abusivo conmigo, que él no tenía ningún respeto por las mujeres y que él era un narcisista. Al día siguiente, me fui a la librería y compré todos los libros que encontré sobre el comportamiento narcisista, los leí y tan rápido como la velocidad de la luz realice que nunca iba a tener ocasión de ser yo otra vez mientras permaneciera en esta relación enfermiza.

Por mucho tiempo pensé que yo fuera la causante de sus actos en mi contra y luego despedía las palabras hirientes como consecuencias del alcohol ingerido, su uso de drogas en el pasado, un mal día en el trabajo, un paciente muy enfermo, perdió dinero en la bolsa de valores y que todo pasaría y terminaría. Y que al día siguiente todo volvería a la “normalidad”, ahora la pregunta es, que es lo normal en esta situación enfermiza. Aunque a principios note que él tenía una personalidad adictiva con las drogas y el alcohol y que sentía que él me utilizaba como muleta, pensé inocentemente que a lo mejor yo estaba siendo bien dura con un “individuo agradable” quién había tenido una crianza llena de dificultades.

Siga en sintonía para la continuación de la saga…

Stigma, Shame and Non-believers!

It was a long-term relationship at least by my standards, 17 years plus, the last five as husband and wife, filled with manipulation and abuse. I saw the dangerous warning signs early on but like anyone else in a close relationship or in love, I dismissed them as just casualties of war – love that is. How can someone be so naïve! Now every time I think of what happened I have the tendency to blame myself for not running away sooner or for returning on the occasions that I left or for not being more aware of the reality.

I will begin with the obvious; I spent many years in silence waiting to feel comfortable to be honest and not shameful about what was happening behind closed doors at home. Now I feel that I am able to speak, write, and talk to whoever is willing to listen without judging and prejudice. Also I am learning not to worry about what others think so much. I been planning on writing and speaking about my painful experiences and sad existence for a very long time but had remain quiet precisely because of the stigma and shame attach to victims of domestic violence, and because individuals have preconceptions of “what is” and “what is not” abuse. A society standard that comes with the dirty laundry doesn’t get exposed or a non- believer attitude is huge and unbearable to the victim who is already in a lot of pain.

Second, individuals have the tendency to assume that unless one have not been physically beaten or hurt; it’s impossible to be a victim of domestic abuse. One tends to forget that words are use to hurt verbally, emotionally and as a psychological warfare to the point of physical and mental annihilation. And with this come humiliation, degradation, and economic abuse among others.

For many years I gave subtle hints and straight details to various individuals, family, friends and acquaintances, for which I was dismissed, not believed, even told that maybe I was exaggerating. Nobody really knows how a person behaves within the confines of their own home once the doors are close. It is the Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome, two totally different personalities, and two types of behaviors - one in public and one in private. One has a charming jovial personality and the other is an abusive and manipulator who thinks of the partner as an object to its means.

I have spent many years in therapy sessions that started a few years after living together. The words of wisdom given under advice or as suggestions were that I should perhaps walk away from a relationship that was hurting me so much. The few sessions he attended were later used against me about the “inefficiencies” of the therapists and the wasted time. As a physician, his opinion was that he knew more than any therapist. And second, that by attending the sessions he was not making money. All these behaviors were clearly indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder, which I was unaware of at the time and knew nothing about it.

It was not until the winter of 2008 that I was in a total paralysis both physically and mentally. It was during a short visit from his sister that I realized that my problem was staying in an abusive relationship and that he was the one with the problem. It was his own sister, a mental health professional that kept telling him how abusive he was, that he had no respect for women and that he was a narcissist. The day after, I went to the bookstore and bought as many books I could found on narcissistic behavior, read them and like the speed of light realized that I never had a chance to be me again as long as I stayed in this relationship.

All along I thought it was my fault one way or another or that his hurtful words were a consequence of his alcoholism, or past drug use, or a bad day at work, or a very ill patient, or losing money in the stock market and that everything was just in passing and that it will end. And that the next day everything will be back to “normal”, now the questions remains what is normal in this situation. Even though from early on I noticed that he had an addictive personality with drugs and alcohol and I felt he was using me as a crutch, I though that I was been to hard on a “nice guy” who had a difficult upbringing.

Stay tune more too come…