Stigma, Shame and Non-believers!

It was a long-term relationship at least by my standards, 17 years plus, the last five as husband and wife, filled with manipulation and abuse. I saw the dangerous warning signs early on but like anyone else in a close relationship or in love, I dismissed them as just casualties of war – love that is. How can someone be so naïve! Now every time I think of what happened I have the tendency to blame myself for not running away sooner or for returning on the occasions that I left or for not being more aware of the reality.

I will begin with the obvious; I spent many years in silence waiting to feel comfortable to be honest and not shameful about what was happening behind closed doors at home. Now I feel that I am able to speak, write, and talk to whoever is willing to listen without judging and prejudice. Also I am learning not to worry about what others think so much. I been planning on writing and speaking about my painful experiences and sad existence for a very long time but had remain quiet precisely because of the stigma and shame attach to victims of domestic violence, and because individuals have preconceptions of “what is” and “what is not” abuse. A society standard that comes with the dirty laundry doesn’t get exposed or a non- believer attitude is huge and unbearable to the victim who is already in a lot of pain.

Second, individuals have the tendency to assume that unless one have not been physically beaten or hurt; it’s impossible to be a victim of domestic abuse. One tends to forget that words are use to hurt verbally, emotionally and as a psychological warfare to the point of physical and mental annihilation. And with this come humiliation, degradation, and economic abuse among others.

For many years I gave subtle hints and straight details to various individuals, family, friends and acquaintances, for which I was dismissed, not believed, even told that maybe I was exaggerating. Nobody really knows how a person behaves within the confines of their own home once the doors are close. It is the Jekyl and Dr. Hyde syndrome, two totally different personalities, and two types of behaviors - one in public and one in private. One has a charming jovial personality and the other is an abusive and manipulator who thinks of the partner as an object to its means.

I have spent many years in therapy sessions that started a few years after living together. The words of wisdom given under advice or as suggestions were that I should perhaps walk away from a relationship that was hurting me so much. The few sessions he attended were later used against me about the “inefficiencies” of the therapists and the wasted time. As a physician, his opinion was that he knew more than any therapist. And second, that by attending the sessions he was not making money. All these behaviors were clearly indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder, which I was unaware of at the time and knew nothing about it.

It was not until the winter of 2008 that I was in a total paralysis both physically and mentally. It was during a short visit from his sister that I realized that my problem was staying in an abusive relationship and that he was the one with the problem. It was his own sister, a mental health professional that kept telling him how abusive he was, that he had no respect for women and that he was a narcissist. The day after, I went to the bookstore and bought as many books I could found on narcissistic behavior, read them and like the speed of light realized that I never had a chance to be me again as long as I stayed in this relationship.

All along I thought it was my fault one way or another or that his hurtful words were a consequence of his alcoholism, or past drug use, or a bad day at work, or a very ill patient, or losing money in the stock market and that everything was just in passing and that it will end. And that the next day everything will be back to “normal”, now the questions remains what is normal in this situation. Even though from early on I noticed that he had an addictive personality with drugs and alcohol and I felt he was using me as a crutch, I though that I was been to hard on a “nice guy” who had a difficult upbringing.

Stay tune more too come…